The first step in getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you don’t.” Interesting that this quote popped into my in-box just as I was preparing to write this article, right on target. The source of this quote took me to websites as far ranging as home organization to alcohol and drug treatment to “how to leave your spouse.” Its been tweeted and re-tweeted and turned into posters and box art.
There is a matter of fact truth in the statement. Getting rid of what we do not want creates a void and from that void new creations come forth.
Still, I find the statement harsh. To “get rid of” something has the tone of throwing it in the trash. It has no value to us. Instead of “getting rid” of this person or that job or this thing that makes us unhappy, it might serve to consider how to embrace this person or that job or that thing that is so annoying. After all, we have invited into our lives everyone and everything to show us who we are.
Consider: if I get rid of something or someone in my life with no more regard than I have for what I throw in the garbage can, it is certain that whatever it is that I am to learn from the situation will come back around.
What I discard is a reflection of me. If I do not learn from what I want to eliminate from my life, then I will move out of the old dynamic and into another one that is similar. For example, if I get rid of a love relationship because my partner is too domineering, perhaps the next time I experience this will be in my workplace. It will be a co-worker or employer who will reflect to me this domineering aspect of myself.
Until I can embrace those qualities that I deem “flaws,” they will continue to show up in people and situations that I draw in. If I feel unworthy, I will attract someone who does not value me. If I am constantly lifting people out of their misery, then I must acknowledge that I am hooked on being a savior, and that I only feel valued if I am attracting people who need saving.
On the other hand, if I will acknowledge that which I want to purge from my reality as me ⎯ and fully embrace it ⎯ then it will not keep showing up everywhere I go. So, if something needs to go because it has become a hindrance to my joy, better to send it off with love to be appreciated somewhere else by someone else.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
SO YOU LOVE YOU
Each time we face our darkness
Square on
The world expands in love.
Each time we embrace our hate,
It cannot live.
Each time we look inside,
Take inventory of our misdeeds,
Forgiving them, accepting them,
We in turn, forgive the world,
And light expands, and love abides.
When we embrace the darkness
within, the world is cleansed.
But what of those times
when we do not?
We whine, we worry, we hate.
Can we accept? Can we forgive?
The transgressions that within us live?
If yes, then light expands.
How often we turn on our most
Sacred One — ourself. We push it,
Prod and preen it, glare at it;
Imperfections gleaned, we stand alone.
When we hate, we alienate —
our own suffering, too.
Can you see that this is true?
When you love another,
you learn to love you.
Donna Pritchard © 2008
Donna Marie Pritchard | Email: donnapsavage@live.com | 24 Hour Message Center: 803-360-6255
All content on this website is the property and copyright of Donna Marie Pritchard. Any use or reproduction of this material without expressed permission is punishable by Federal Law.
WHOLE-MAKING
by Donna Marie Pritchard
As published in 11:11 Magazine Issue May - June 2014
"The most important thing ... is to give
up who you are for who you can become."
DONNA MARIE PRITCHARD
The reflection of ourselves is magnified as it moves into our inner circle and the dynamics of the relationships closest to us. I remember a story that a son told at the funeral of his beloved mother. He recalled being a young man in his 30’s and calling his mom to complain about another failed relationship. He was whining. His mother responded with, “Son, you have had many failed relationships. Tell me, what is the common denominator in all of them?”
Leaving any relationship, people have a tendency to make the other person wrong or bad or somehow at fault. The reality is that everyone that we draw in to our lives is there to teach us about ourselves. When I get rid of someone as if they have no value, then I discard that aspect of me that so needs my love and attention.
Just this week, I stumbled across a letter that I wrote to a ex-partner after our break up. Our primary focus was a commitment to growing as spiritual partners and allies. Because we both energetically demanded that we grow into better partners, our relationship was fraught with lessons to help us attain that goal.
Unwittingly, he and I came together to shatter our unhealthy relationship patterns, to bring to the surface and into our conscious awareness the manner in which we both sabotaged the thing we said we wanted most ⎯ a joyful healthy thriving relationship.
By the time I wrote the letter to him, the superficial wounds to my ego were healing, and I was beginning to “see” who we were to each other, beyond the details. I could look back with 20/20 vision at the whole of our relationship.
The reflection of ourselves is magnified as it moves into our inner circle and the dynamics of the relationships closest to us. I remember a story that a son told at the funeral of his beloved mother. He recalled being a young man in his 30’s and calling his mom to complain about another failed relationship. He was whining. His mother responded with, “Son, you have had many failed relationships. Tell me, what is the common denominator in all of them?”
Leaving any relationship, people have a tendency to make the other person wrong or bad or somehow at fault. The reality is that everyone that we draw in to our lives is there to teach us about ourselves. When I get rid of someone as if they have no value, then I discard that aspect of me that so needs my love and attention.
Just this week, I stumbled across a letter that I wrote to a ex-partner after our break up. Our primary focus was a commitment to growing as spiritual partners and allies. Because we both energetically demanded that we grow into better partners, our relationship was fraught with lessons to help us attain that goal.
Unwittingly, he and I came together to shatter our unhealthy relationship patterns, to bring to the surface and into our conscious awareness the manner in which we both sabotaged the thing we said we wanted most ⎯ a joyful healthy thriving relationship.
By the time I wrote the letter to him, the superficial wounds to my ego were healing, and I was beginning to “see” who we were to each other, beyond the details. I could look back with 20/20 vision at the whole of our relationship.
It was then that I coined the term, “WHOLEMAKING.” Wholemaking is the highest form of lovemaking on the planet. It happens when two or more conscious beings come together for the sake of personal empowerment and self-love. The goal of “wholemaking” is dedication to the authentic expression of everyone committed to the process.
Wholemaking ⎯ in this case as a couple, can feel like one is “sleeping with the enemy” as layer after layer of ego is exposed and vulnerabilities surface. Wholemaking means there is no place to hide. No co-dependency, no manipulation. Only truth.
I have discovered that with each layer of ego I uncover, there is a truth that lies there. When that layer is removed, another truth lies in waiting. The deeper the process goes, the more superficial the “truth” of the prior layer seems, as it becomes recognizable as part of the smoke screen of the ego.
So, it is enough to set being truthful as our personal intention and be unwilling to compromise. It is enough to accept truth from others as they choose to present it.
If it feels like another person is lying to me, then I can only accept whatever illusion they are projecting as their truth. It is also a signal for me to consider what is going on that they feel a need to hide their truth from me. Perhaps the lie that I sense is a reflection to me that I am not being forthright in some way.
Living with this perspective, especially with a partner consciously dedicated to the same, results in quantum leaps of growth and expansion. However, even when both parties are quite diligent in their intention, it is easy to become overwhelmed with the level of integrity required to keep the relationship in a high joyful frequency when the wounds are revealing themselves.
In order to continually move into wholeness, I must also recognize the place where I contract. There is a voice within me that still nags me to judge, categorize, and criticize others and myself. What beliefs cause me to withdraw to myself? What fearful thoughts or behaviors (others or my own) make me want to close down?
During our years together, my ex and I stripped many layers of co-dependent patterns away. We learned much about what does and does not make a successful relationship for both of us. Neither of us question whether it was worth it, the intense growing and learning, made more so by the fact that we were together 24/7, traveling and working side by side. Ultimately, we chose in love to go our separate ways.
Following is an excerpt from that letter that I wrote to him, that could have just as easily have been addressed to me: “I want never again to hold you or anyone accountable for my reactions. I forget that you have felt so vulnerable with me because that is how I have felt with you. It reminds me again that whatever I am feeling, chances are that you are feeling the same. It reminds me that it is better to speak in anger, if necessary, my true feelings in the moment because it empowers me and may empower the other person to also risk speaking his/her truth even if it cannot be presented in a calm manner. We both have exhibited what happens when we let our fear lead. And we both have also stepped way beyond our fear with each other. You say you feel safer with me then anyone, but do you feel truly safe? Maybe both of us need to get "SAFE" with ourselves. So, step up, step in to who you are and let the whole world see, and if somebody or someone doesn't like it, tough for them. We did all we could to bring each other to a whole-making point, and I believe the next leg of that journey is our own, to step into ourselves.”
To my mind, every union of two or more people has the intention of wholemaking at its core. It is through relationship that we have the opportunity to face ourselves, to change our de-habilitating patterns, and to grow into our truest selves. Whether that relationship lasts a month or a lifetime, it is an invitation to wholeness, an opportunity to drop our facades and be ourselves.
Once some quality is accepted and loved by us, there is no longer a charge on it and our attention can go on to other things. Sometime down the road, a person or situation will come across our path that reminds us “of how we used to be.” When this happens, and we feel nothing in particular about it, this is an indicator that the quality is no longer part of our experience. It is no longer our reflection except as one might see in a rearview mirror.
***
Recently, on the night of my anniversary with my partner (11/11) I awoke from a dream of my ex-husband. In the dream, I no longer wanted to be with him so I did not come home one night ⎯ with no explanation. The next morning, I knew I would have to face the music and returned home. Much to my surprise there was a welcoming party of my family and friends with my husband, faces beaming, congratulating me on having discovered that it was time for me to move on. No one condemned my actions. All supported my leaving with best wishes and cheers.
The message from the dream as I awoke was, “you must be authentic in yourself in order to have a truly authentic relationship.” That day was the first day of the new year with my partner, and the dream was guiding me to be more authentic with him.
I was grateful for the message and the joy I felt in the dream. Still, I wondered why I had dreamt of my husband since I rarely thought of him. As I opened my phone, the date flashed 11/12 ⎯ the anniversary of my marriage thirty years prior.
I was reminded of a practice that a friend of mine has of writing down her “real life” as if it is a dream, seeking clues and symbols to guide her just as she does from her dreams. She spoke of it as waking from the dream to enter the dream. In my case, I woke from the night dream with my ex-husband to guide me in the day dream of my present relationship. I moved from a dream of wholemaking to awaken to a message of how to continue wholemaking right where I am.
For those committed to wholemaking as a way of life, it is a most magnificent and challenging experience. Having the attitude of wholemaking while working and raising families and participating in our communities has the added benefit of grounding the intention in our daily interactions, creating a domino affect. Wholemaking is the way in which we can learn to love the world and ourselves.
The reflection of ourselves is magnified as it moves into our inner circle and the dynamics of the relationships closest to us. I remember a story that a son told at the funeral of his beloved mother. He recalled being a young man in his 30’s and calling his mom to complain about another failed relationship. He was whining. His mother responded with, “Son, you have had many failed relationships. Tell me, what is the common denominator in all of them?”
Leaving any relationship, people have a tendency to make the other person wrong or bad or somehow at fault. The reality is that everyone that we draw in to our lives is there to teach us about ourselves. When I get rid of someone as if they have no value, then I discard that aspect of me that so needs my love and attention.
Just this week, I stumbled across a letter that I wrote to a ex-partner after our break up. Our primary focus was a commitment to growing as spiritual partners and allies. Because we both energetically demanded that we grow into better partners, our relationship was fraught with lessons to help us attain that goal.
